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Wanting Him Back

August 16, 2010

Dear Oracle,

I’m eleven and I have this on-again off-again boyfriend and we started dating this summer then he said his mom won’t let him have a girlfriend but then 3 weeks later he said his mom will let him. He asked me but I said no. But now he won’t return my calls. I like him and I also don’t want to lose a friend. What should I do?

HELP!

Love,

Wanting Him Back!

Dear Wanting Him Back,

Thanks for your question.  To me, eleven is a wonderful age—an age to have fun!  Whether he’s a boyfriend, or just a boy friend, I don’t think there’s any need to label your relationship.  Obviously, his mom doesn’t like the label either, so I’d scrap it. 

Since you recently said no to being his girlfriend again, he may be hurt and that’s why he isn’t returning your calls.  Or—and forgive me for being blunt here—he may just be more focused on his video games, or whatever he does for fun.  Most eleven-year-old guys don’t have the life experience or maturity to figure out relationships with girls.  (And the same may be true a few years down the line…) 

It sounds like you have the right idea to just call it a friendship.  I hope you enjoy the rest of your summer– whether he calls you back or not.

The Oracle

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My Take on Jake and Vienna

July 8, 2010

As you know, the Oracle loves her TV shows.  The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are among them, since they’re all about choosing a mate.  Did you see the Jake and Vienna interview earlier this week? It was a total mess, complete with put-downs, mud-slinging, and downright hysteria.  A real-life relationship disaster that, admittedly, made for great TV. 

How could their relationship go so wrong, so fast?
The Oracle believes it’s due to two factors:
1) Neither of them is ready for a long-term relationship.
2) They were not well-matched in the first place. 
 
During The Bachelor, Jake often described what he wanted in a woman.  Most viewers thought that Tenley, the sweet, shy second runner-up, fit the bill perfectly.  But instead of choosing Tenley, Jake chose someone who didn’t fit his criteria at all.  He chose Vienna, a high-maintenance party girl almost ten years younger than him.  The Oracle intends no offense to Vienna — with her, what you see is what you get.  She admitted to being a daddy’s girl, and a princess who needed to be taken care of. 
 
As for Jake, he is obviously more interested in fame than in being a pilot.  He needs a woman who is ultra independent, who doesn’t need much attention, and won’t place too many demands on him.  Definitely not Vienna.  If Jake had been serious about her, he would have left the reality TV world behind him to focus on cementing his new relationship.  Instead, he went on Dancing with the Stars. 
The Oracle has no doubt that Vienna will eventually find a guy who will meet her needs.  As for Jake, he needs to become more self-aware, and stop pretending that he wants to be in a long-term relationship when what he really wants is to be a reality TV star.
 
I wish them — and you — the best of luck.
I am, as always,
The Oracle

Summer Blues

June 28, 2010

Hello

My Boyfriend and I want to stay together over the summer. Only a couple problems though…

We don’t live close to each other and we don’t drive.

We’re both going away a lot and can’t talk or see each other that much.

I can’t text him because he doesn’t have a phone.

Do you have any tips or advice for making this relationship work over the summer?

We’re crazy about each other!

Thanks!

Summer Blues

Hi Summer Blues,

Great question, and timely, too.  A lot of couples are facing similar obstacles this summer.

I have a good feeling about you guys as a couple for two reasons.

1)      Your last line: “We’re crazy about each other!”  (That is soooo sweet, even to the Oracle, who admits to being jaded sometimes.)

2)      You have already identified the potential problems and are looking for advice to solve them.

It sounds like you won’t be seeing a lot of your boyfriend this summer, but that doesn’t mean the relationship can’t work.  In fact, absence can add a whole new element of excitement to your relationship.  It can actually make you appreciate each other more.  

I have a suggestion for what to do when you’re both away and can’t email or text.  Some would say it’s a downright ancient practice, but it’s also incredibly romantic…

Write letters to each other!  (Some call it snail mail, but the Oracle believes that doesn’t do it justice.) There is something very poignant and heartfelt about a traditional letter, especially if it’s handwritten.  And since you’ll both be going away a lot, you’ll have plenty of new experiences to share in your letters.  They can also be keepsakes for when you look back and remember that summer apart.

Sure, writing letters involves more effort than an email or a text, but it’s also more rewarding.  So if you guys do the work, you’ll make it work.

I wish you a summer full of love, longing, and lots of letters.

The Oracle of Dating

Tempted…

June 1, 2010

Hey there,

I’m dating this guy I’ve been liking for months and now I met this really cool guy at my school in a grade higher than me.   He’s really cool, and he thinks I’m cute, but he has a girlfriend too!  And I don’t know if he really likes me but I tell him he’s cute and funny and hot.  But I don’t wanna cheat on my boyfriend!  I need help since I really like both of them.  And I don’t know if he’s interested in me, he just said I was cute.  And our convo on YM (Yahoo Messenger) at the end he was like “I’m tired” and “I don’t wanna go if you don’t want me to”.  I need help, I hope you reply.  And also, can you tell me if he’s interested or not?

Thank you so much,

TEMPTED*, your #1 Fan 😀

Dear TEMPTED,

It’s natural that, even if you have a good thing going with your boyfriend, you enjoy the attention of this cute, older guy.  Who wouldn’t?

First things first: Don’t ever cheat.  Think of how you’d feel if someone did it to you.

The real question here is: should you stay with your boyfriend or not?  Are you happy with him?  You mentioned that you’d liked him for months… are you bored with him now that you’ve got him?

If you’re going to break up with your boyfriend, it should be because you’re not happy with him, not because you’re interested in someone else.  There are NO guarantees that this new guy, just because he’s YMing you, will break up with his girlfriend for you.  Most guys don’t.

Yes, the older guy is interested in you in some way.  He likes chatting with you, and I’m sure he loves to hear that he’s “cute and funny and hot”.  We all love to hear how wonderful we are, don’t we?  But that doesn’t mean he is going to shake up his current relationship for you.  And you definitely don’t want to be in a situation where he’s stringing you along while he’s with this other girl.

Bottom line?  You have a decision to make: stay with your boyfriend or break up with him.  If you choose to stay with him, the Oracle advises you NOT to continue YMing with this other guy.  If you break up with him, that’s fine and fair; it’s always better to be single than in an unhappy relationship.

Good luck,

The Oracle of Dating

* Name changed

The people have spoken…

May 10, 2010

…and here are the results.

Who should pay on the first date?

The guy — it’s tradition, after all. 35%

The girl — show him you’re not after his money. 2.4%

It depends who asked the other out. 41.5% 

You both pay for yourselves. 18.7%  

No one — it’s easy to skip out on the bill. 2.4%

As you can see, not everyone agrees on what to do.  That’s because there isn’t one right answer!

The most popular answer was: “It depends who asked the other out.”  But that’s usually if the guy does the asking.  If the girl does the asking (or suggesting, in a roundabout way, as we often do), she might not expect to pay for both people, and some guys might feel weird about it.  In that situation, you should pay for yourselves.

Should we just keep it simple, then, and say that the guy should pay for the first date?

Um, no.

The Oracle believes the tradition of the guy paying is so yesterday.  Still, in many people’s minds, it’s the way to go.  So, what the heck’s a guy (or girl) to do?

Guys, let me break it down for you.  You’ll never offend a girl by offering to pay.  If she wants to pay for herself, let her do it.  Or cut a bargain that you’ll pay for dinner, and she’ll pay for the movie or whatever you do afterward.

Girls, you can’t go wrong by offering to pay for yourself.  If you think he really wants to pay for you, and if you don’t feel you’re going to owe him anything — like a second date — then let him pay if you want to.  But if you’d like to show him that you’re the independent type, and set a precedent, then I’d say pay for yourself.

Let’s give the guys a break.  Most guys will appreciate it if you pay for yourself, especially if he’s a starving student or between jobs.  If he thinks he’s going to have to pay for every date, he may be less likely to ask you out again!

The Oracle is not saying that a guy should never treat a girl, or vice versa.  But you should treat someone because you want to — not because it’s tradition.

Happy Dating!

The Oracle

The Oracle of Dating is in stores now!

May 3, 2010

You can read most of the first chapter, buy the book (with a $2 discount!) or help spread the word by clicking here.

In the meantime, I hope you take the poll below — I’ll be blogging about the results on Monday!

Who should pay on the first date?

April 28, 2010

It’s come to the Oracle’s attention that not everyone agrees on this crucial dating question. 

What do YOU think?